Deal with your Emotions

Putting your elderly relative in a nursing home is never easy, even if it is the last resort. The family often second-guess themselves – "should we have waited?" Or "Did we really exhaust all other reasonable alternatives?"

Guilt can set in, especially if they are resisting the nursing home option. You may feel bad that you physically, emotionally, and/or financially cannot take care of them in your home. You feel guilty that they must leave their friends and their home. You may feel like you’ve let them one down. You may feel anger, regret, and a whole host of other emotions that don’t feel very good.

These feelings are natural in this situation. However (and perhaps easier said than done), remember that the reason they had to move is because you couldn’t provide care. If they needed care that you couldn’t give them, then it’s cruel to with-hold the needed care by NOT putting them in a nursing home.

Imagine for a moment that you held off on the nursing home decision. Now further imagine that they fell at home and broke a hip. How would you feel? Probably worse than you do now. Sometimes the nursing home decision is the last resort because it’s your best bet at keeping them safe.

So how do you deal with these situations? It usually helps to talk to others about how you feel. Talk to the senior concerned. Talk to your other family members. Talk to others who’ve previously put their elderly in nursing homes. Talk to your clergy or other trusted individuals. If you cannot move past depressed feelings, then you can also consider talking to a counsellor.

Avoid people who seem to want to make you feel bad, guilty or to make you feel like you’re doing something wrong. For example, perhaps your neighbour will tell you how they feel "sorry" for you since you need to put your senior in a nursing home. Don't let anyone make you feel like you’ve done something wrong, or that you should feel guilty, or that some how you’ve let your loved one down. None of this is true.

Or perhaps you’ll hear from another friend who will tell you about the alternatives out there, such as you quitting your job to take care of your loved one, or hiring a home health nurse to do it when you’re not there. Again, this sort of person may attempt to make you feel guilty for sending your senior to the nursing home, and somehow imply that it’s a choice you made that could have been avoided.

Again, this simply isn’t true. Everyone has individual circumstances that result in them making choices that are right for them. Perhaps what works for your friend won’t work for you – chances are it’s simply not feasible for you to quit your job or hire a nurse and still expect to be able to pay your bills and put food on the table.

One final note: many nursing homes have a social worker on staff available to help you and your elderly loved one make the transition. This person can be an invaluable resource for you, so don’t be afraid to take advantage of this help.

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